Anniversary Lessons

Being a Navy SEAL and an FBI special agent were exciting jobs that taught me many lessons of leadership and personal excellence that I now share with people around the world. There is nothing quite like a dangerous Navy SEAL operation or FBI investigation story to capture someone’s attention and bring home, with complete clarity, these important lessons.

However, as my wife and I recently celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary, we discussed what lessons we have learned over the years in our most important leadership roles, those of spouse and parent. The stories behind the lessons are not exciting. They are the opposite of exciting. They are part of the daily grind called life. They are the culmination of a series of little things that happen over the years that, if you pay attention, have great and lasting value.

So, I’d like to share a couple of our lessons in the hope you can take one or two meaningful tidbits that can add value, happiness and peace to your life.

The conversation started almost as a joke. “What is the greatest lesson you’ve learned from me since we’ve been together?” my wife needled as we were driving 12 hours en route to our children’s hockey tournament in Arizona.

“That you would never say or do something to intentionally hurt me,” I immediately responded without meeting the humor of the moment.

She watched me for a moment, waiting for a punchline that never came.

So many times, early in our marriage, I would take something she said or did as a personal slight, and my reactions to these “slights” led to unnecessary conflict and stress. One day, after I was childishly insulted by one of her comments, she said to me, “You have to trust me. You have to trust that I would never say or do something to intentionally hurt you.”

I vividly remember pausing and thinking about what she said to me and concluding that she was right. I had to trust that she would not try to hurt me. From that day forward, the unnecessary and self-inflicted conflict in our marriage practically disappeared.

This prompted a more reflective conversation about the important lessons we’ve learned after 13 years of marriage. We discussed how we have learned to recognize what matters and what doesn’t. I don’t mean this in a “don’t-sweat-the-small-stuff” kind of way, because often the small stuff matters. Especially when it’s a series of small things that accumulate over time.

We learned that taking care of our business as a family matters. What other people do or say with their family, or what other people may say about our family does not matter. What we do inside our four walls is what matters. The rest is just noise.

Because we have learned to understand and appreciate what matters, we can be disciplined, not reckless. Disciplined in our reaction when someone treats us badly or unfairly, as opposed to reckless and overly emotional. This has also greatly reduced the negativity and toxicity in our lives.

We have learned that being disciplined with our choices means we will no longer be easily swayed or mindlessly trusting. It means real and meaningful boundaries about what we tolerate have been set.

With our kids, mean-spiritedness and bullying are real, more so than I could have ever imagined. While we will always advocate for and defend our children, we’ve learned that teaching and coaching them on how to handle these situations is what matters for them in the long term. We’ve learned that teaching them how to handle their business, shut out the noise of bullies and set strong boundaries, is what is going to make them strong and good people.

I am so grateful for our 13 years of marriage and all we have learned together as a couple and family. To be sure, these were hard lessons to learn with many bumps and disappointments along the way. But we hope to continue to learn from this awesome experience of marriage and parenting.

I sincerely hope that one or two of the lessons we’ve learned over the years resonate with you in a way that has a positive effect on your life.

So, with that, I say happy anniversary to Jen, my wife and best friend in the world! I can’t wait to see what we come up with 13 years down the road!

Errol Doebler is a former Navy SEAL platoon commander, FBI terrorism investigator, and founder of his leadership consulting company, Ice Cold Leader. He can be contacted at Hello@Icecoldleader.com.

Look out for Errol’s new book, Ice Cold Leader: Leading From the Inside Out available now!